Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
You Might Also Like
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.