My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
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Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack