Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
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[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
best review i’ve ever seen
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
Oh my God.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
The Wolf of Wall Street.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.