So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
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Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
constantly working on myself.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles