Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
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Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.