I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
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ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.