*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
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Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.