[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
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Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded