My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
You Might Also Like
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
From my Mom
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
Every damn time
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Only Americans understand
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.