I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
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me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Hey Fugeddaboutit
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch