it was a valiant fight
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REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
Called it
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.