I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
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My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.