[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
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Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
That’s no pocket rocket.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.