my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
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I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
A French press is when you hug naked
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye