What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
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Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
💯😂
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.