“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
You Might Also Like
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
Sticker placement is key.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Möther may I have a snäck
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.