My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
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Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.