Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
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the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again