food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
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On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.