With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
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16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
This made me smile…
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project