Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
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What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
My dad.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.