It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
You Might Also Like
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
🥶🥶🐶🐶
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy