Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
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Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
anyone else like Italian cereal
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.