I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
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A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more