I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
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It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
choose your fighter
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
oh good, now I can stop drinking
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
I love twitter
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…