English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
You Might Also Like
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
This guy’s not having it 😆