Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
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If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this