What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
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Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches