Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
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Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say