They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
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My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company