About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
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“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
What if all the cashiers are married?
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.