EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
You Might Also Like
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Breaking news:
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do