Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
You Might Also Like
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
I am patiently waiting for your email
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?