Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
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[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks