Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
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Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”