If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
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Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Same post same
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???