“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
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We got caught Brian, just act normal..
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps