6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
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Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.