Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
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Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.