Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
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Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
🤣
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.