Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
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Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”