Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
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My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
My love language is hissing.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.