*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
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[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.