Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
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Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.