Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
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I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
December birthdays be like…
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Awwwww shit.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that