Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
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Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle