[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
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Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Traveler’s camo
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.