The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
You Might Also Like
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
buys donuts instead
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.