My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
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The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.