My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
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Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.